Holding On

It took me a second for my mind to clear. I tried not to let myself go into panic mode. I immediately called my mom and asked her to watch the boys that evening.

Being a typical mother, she had to ask a million questions before she agreed. I had never let her be alone with my sons before and I was truly concerned about leaving them with her, but I had little choice. Andrew needed me, and I was just going to have to put a little trust in my mother.

I called the school and told them to make sure the boys did not get on the bus. I also made sure they knew to call me if their grandmother didn’t show up.

I got in my truck and did my best not to speed the whole way to the hospital. All of my thoughts were negative. At least he wasn’t dead, yet. All they said was that he was injured. That doesn’t tell you much, but it tells you there is still a chance. When I arrived at the hospital, I raced through the emergency entrance and demanded to see Andrew.

The lady at the desk looked up at me with careless eyes, “May I ask who you are?” Her voice echoed inside my head.

I told her who I was and the lady sighed at me. She spun around in her chair and began to tap away at the keyboard. Without looking up to me, she muttered, “He has room 305. You probably won’t be able to see him though, he is about to head to surgery.”

I thanked the lady and sprinted up the stairs to the third floor. It wasn’t hard to find the door and I flung it open. The room was empty. I went over to the information desk and asked if that was his room. The blond nurse nodded at me.

“He just left for surgery. It will probably be a couple of hours.” She went back to typing at her computer.

“What happened? All I was told was that he was injured. Is it serious? Could he die?” I wasn’t sure that I wanted to know the details, but I knew I had to find out.

“Sir, I can’t give out that patient information. Do you have proof that he wishes for you to know his condition?”

“Well, I am his husband, Raven Greymane. We have four kids together, I’m positive he wants me to know what happened.”

I saw the nurse flip open a folder and thumb through it, “Oh, I’m just so sorry sir, but we have no records of Andrew here. We don’t have any release of information forms filed on him, so you will just have to wait until he is back from the OR.” She sounded almost mocking as she spoke to me. “Why don’t you go take a seat in his room?” She gestured back towards the room.

Angrily, I stormed back to his room and shut the door. The first thing I did was call my mom to check on her and the boys. I didn’t get an answer, maybe they were out getting ice cream. She was always spoiling them with treats.

Frustrated, I sat down on the sofa in the room. There was a magazine on a little table, so I picked it up and flipped through the pages. It was  a women’s health magazine. Nothing interesting or anything I would ever need to know. I laid it back on the table and laid on the couch. I tried to rest, but it was impossible; my mind was ablaze with fear and the clock was ticking as though it was next to my ear.

I flipped over but was still unable to get comfortable. Minutes passed and the minutes turned to hours. Every time I hear the clock chime a new hour, I felt my fears reignite in my mind. Why was the surgery taking so long? It was only supposed to be two hours max. Something didn’t feel right.

The sun had already set, and my patience was gone with it. I stormed out of the room and up to the desk. There was a different nurse this time.

She greeted me and asked if I was waiting for someone. It was hard not to lose my cool, “Yes, I am waiting for someone. My husband. I have been waiting in that room for five hours now. Where the hell is he?”

My outburst appeared to startle the nurse, but she calmly said, “Who is your husband?”

When I told her, I saw a look of shame come across her face, “Oh, I’m very sorry sir. I didn’t know you were waiting in there. The nurse before me said nothing of you. Typically we have people wait in the room over there.” She pointed to a small room filled with chairs.

I was a little confused, “Well, ok, so where is Andrew at?”

She looked down and shuffled her papers, “Sir, he died an hour into surgery. The stab wounds had cut into major organs. They did all they could to save him, but he had already lost too much blood.”

I felt my heart plummet. My fears had been realized, and I didn’t know what to do. I did my best to stay composed, “What happened to him?” I made my voice as demanding as possible.

Right after I said that, the nurse looked at me with empathy. She stood up and ushered me back into the room I had just spent the last five hours. She motioned for me to sit next to her on the couch and I did. She then told me what she had been informed.

“We were told by the police that he had gotten ambushed during a drug raid. Somehow he had gotten separated from his partner and was jumped by several people. They ripped off his bullet-proof vest and beat him with baseball bats. They then stabbed him a total of nine times in his chest and abdomen. By the time they found him, he was unconscious and heavily bleeding from the wounds. When he came here, his face, arms, and neck were covered in bruises and welts. The ambulance was able to keep him alive long enough to get him into surgery. However the blood loss from the stab wounds was too severe. The doctor did all he could to stop the bleeding, but the human body can only handle so much blood loss. If he had been saved, he would have more than likely lived in a vegetable state until death occurred due to the brain damage he had suffered.” The nurse then turned to me with pain written on her face.

Her story had given me chills and I felt as though I was going to pass out, yet there was one question I had to know. “How do the police know that is what happened to him?”

She shrugged at me, “It’s just what they are assuming. His injuries support their story. Raven, I am really sorry about your loss. I couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to lose your spouse.” She then looked down at her hand, as if admiring a wedding ring that wasn’t there.

“How did you know my name? I never told you who I was.”

She smiled up at me, “You said you were Andrew’s husband. Our records show Raven Greymane as his spouse, so I figured that was you.”

“But, that other nurse said there were no records of him here. She said she couldn’t tell me anything and that I had to wait in here for him to get back.”

I saw her put her hand over her eyes, hiding her anger. “That Kara! She is such a homophobe. I’m really sorry for all of this trouble, Raven. Rest assured, I will be reporting her to my boss again. She is always pulling mean stunts on our gay patients. I should have known!”

Despite all the sorrow I felt towards Andrew’s death, I was immediately overcome with rage. How could a person be so cruel to me just because I like men? Part of me wanted an investigation done on Andrew’s death. Perhaps the hospital, maybe even the police had been in on this, just because we were gay. However, my better half told me that I was just looking for revenge and I needed to trust our town heroes. There was a question still burning in my mind, why did Andrew’s partner get separated from him?

I drove home slowly in the dark of the night. A small box of Andrew’s personal possessions rode in the passenger seat next to me. I felt the tears streaking down my face as I tried to concentrate on the rode ahead of me.

My headlights lit up the pavement along with the yellow glow from the street lamps. I shook my head, I was going to have to be strong for my children.

When I arrived home, I parked my truck and was in to rush as I made my way to the front door. I wiped away one last tear as I tried to come into control of my emotions. When I opened the door, I was welcomed with the calming aromas of home. I took a few steps and through my best efforts, I fell to the floor sobbing uncontrollably.

Why was it that everyone I loved left me? Soon my boys would be old enough, and they would leave me too. Somehow, my mind managed to wander to thoughts of my dad.

I pulled out the old photo of him that I carried in my wallet.

I had never really understood why he had killed himself, but that night it all seemed clear to me. When you’ve lost everyone you love, you have nothing left to live for. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the photo, the longer I stared, the hotter my shoulder got. I didn’t even have to look to know that it was the hand print burning into my flesh again.

I had come to realize that it happened every time I thought deeply of my father. Strangely, I had come to like it, it comforted me and made me feel stronger. It was like a message from my father that he was always there for me and through his mistakes, he made me want to be a better dad to my boys.

I thanked my dad and wiped away my tears. I staggered to my feet and started my accent up the stair case to my bedroom. Where I would sleep alone, for the first night since I had married Andrew.

Chapter Nine: Seeking Revenge